klansman for the Presidential DebatesThe first Presidential Debate is on September 26th, and we have begun planning. We rejected a Super Bowl-style spread in favor of finger food we can throw at the TV without breaking it. We’ve invited our friends, but expect a smallish  crowd of only those still willing to talk to us. The Masterstroke (and I must give all the credit to my better half, who has insisted on anonymity), we’ve hired a klansman to join us.

With the “I’m the Rubber and You’re the Glue” style the campaigns have taken on, we need someone authentic to resolve the debate. We’d heard that all the candidates have or have had at least one klansman in their posse at some point: David Duke, the late Sen. Robert Byrd. It seemed the right thing to do. After all, you can’t tell the players without a scorecard – no numbers on the robes.

Finding the Perfect Klansman

It’s not hard to find a klansman these days. They’re almost as public as the Knights of Columbus and so family-oriented! It’s tougher to hire one though, especially for ceremonial purposes. Next, we were struck by inspiration. “Let’s call Claudio!” we cried in unison.

Claudio Zamboni, a guy who can get anyone you want, was a former modelling agency tsar.

“I’ve been out of the business for years. It was f***** rubbish,” said Claudio. “Modeling is not what it used to be. First of all, Playboy went legit.  You heard about that f***** s**?”

I explained to Claudio the kind of model we wanted. First, we wanted a klansman, but only one, and not a barbarian. Second, maybe one with a white-collar job, like former Senator or future Senator.

“F*** you!”

“Hey, come on, I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“No, you misunderstand. F****** Grand You!”

“I think this conversation is over –“

“No, no – the Grand Ewe! The F***** Grand Ewe! She’s terrific! Great at parties. Plus, she’s  a vegetarian, and she’s quiet. You’ll hardly get a bleat out of her.” Paolo went on to discuss price, the Grand Ewe’s terms, and a safe word.

“I don’t think we need a safe word for the debates.”

“You can’t be too sure. I heard she dated a former Senator,” he said.

We went back and forth over the bonus features. We declined the burning cross but agreed to upgrade her ride to a 1963 Ford truck and driver. The Grand Ewe likes to ride in back. In addition, we bought her a bale of her favorite.

Debate Night

The schedule is worked out. Our guests will arrive about an hour before the debate begins. Next, the guest of honor will show up about twenty minutes later. They will have time to graze and mingle. The Grande Ewe will remain in her robes, and her contact and personal information is off limits. Finally, the big event will start, and the Grand Ewe will stay for a Q&A for a half hour after the debate ends. She has an early morning call-in for Good Morning America.

With all the incidentals, it’s going to be kind of steep, but we still think it’s worth it. When Clinton and Trump go tit-for-tit on who is closer to the Klan, the Grand Ewe will set us straight.