The infamous Duke Brothers of the eponymous Philadelphia commodities firm will not be endorsing Republican nominee Donald Trump, according to a press release issued by the firm and read aloud this morning by Curtis Biddle Rittenhouse IV, the firm spokesperson. “Mr. Randolph and Mr. Mortimer have decided that they do not like the cut of Mr. Trump’s jib. In fact, they wonder if he even has a jib. Accordingly,” the release continued, “the firm of Duke & Duke cannot in good conscience support or endorse Mr. Trump.” In responding to a follow-up question, Mr. Rittenhouse was unable to recall when either of the Dukes last had done anything in good conscience. “They seem to be quite serious about this, however. They were refining their announcement over brandies.”
The Dukes decided that a Trump Presidency would be “déclassé. Furthermore, Mr. Trump presents a threat to the survival of the Republic, perhaps a greater one than we do ourselves.” The Dukes, who shorted the subprime mortgage market “quite by accident,” according to Mr. Mortimer’s memoir, were able to recoup a portion of their catastrophic losses from the Frozen Orange Juice Hoax of 1982, working their way up from rock bottom due to the charity of a visiting African Prince. “Damned lucky, that,” Mr. Mortimer was quoted at the time. They were able to parlay the small sum of $10,000.00 into a portfolio estimated at $850 million, considerably less than their original stake but enough to pay up their dues at the Union League.
The Dukes had been unaware of the Trump candidacy, or of Trump himself, until a Biddle nephew informed them that the Harvard Republicans had spit the bit. Mr. Randolph, stumbling into the press conference while looking for the men’s room, joined in briefly. “Chip Biddle, Grace’s boy, is working in the firm this summer,” he said in reference to Charles Rittenhouse Biddle II. “Well now, he let slip that their little campus club had had a serious talk about this Trump fellow. They don’t like him one bit. A Wharton man, it turns out.” Trump is a graduate of Philadelphia’s Wharton School but does not hold its prestigious M.B.A. “It wouldn’t have changed a thing,” Mr. Randolph added. Only 10% of Harvard GOPs are supporting Trump. The Dukes are paired off with the 90% who have decided not to vote for either party.
“We’d asked Mitt to give it another try but he thought we were just chatting him up. Then we had lunch with that nice Grover Norquist. He suggested that we become familiar with this Fiscal Cliff fellow, but we declined. We don’t know the family.”